I'VE BEEN THINKING.....
It's been awhile since I posted anything on my blog. Summer time was busy and is winding down I think. I have several written ahead of time already. My last one, about my mom, brought me to a place however where I knew I had to talk about how true "Salvation" occurs. Because of the way I was raised and later my own falling into a life of deep separation from God. I began searching for truth a long time ago. I also believe there are alot of us out here searching for truth. I wanted to share with all of you what I have learned, about thinking we will go to heaven if we are good, or being able to go to heaven by believing in what Christ did for us and making it personal, which requires faith. Because when I was growing up, I always believed I had to be good and accomplish a whole list of things so I could go to heaven when I die. I knew I wasn't able to be as good as I was taught I had to be. It seemed no matter how hard I tried, I kept getting worse until one day I must have just decided " oh forget it, I am just going to do what I want and finally have some peace about it all. Well,that was a blast, for awhile. Until it all caught up to me.
So in trying to figure out how I can explain all of this to my readers, I went back to studying. There is so much written on this particular subject that I have decided to save it for last It is all so amazing and most of us don't always get it, so it needs special attention and research. It needs to make sense and be true. I am no authority , but I am committed to studying it, applying it, and sharing it with all of you who are so faithful. These truths are so intertwined in this families story that I can't separate any of it. In the meantime I am just going to finish with what I already have and tackle the good stuff when this part is done.
Blinders peeling off:
Amazing to realize how much we instill or do not instill into our children, myself being the most guilty party I'm sure. "Only by God's Grace go I". Do you ever wonder about those empty spots you had growing up. Those places where you can say, why was it this way it could have been that way? Why did my parents miss the mark so much? Things would be so much better for me if they only would have said this or done that. I wonder if perhaps they were left empty that way so God could fill them later. He is our Father after all, and a perfect one at that. If parents gave us everything we needed both mentally or physically, taught us all we need to know spiritually, we would never really need God would we? We wouldn't have much to strive for as adults because all of our needs have been met. Of course God allowed our parents to be imperfect. He doesn't ordain it, but He will use it. He wants to fill those empty places with His goodness and His infinite wisdom.
We never had alot of money, every thing came hard to our family it seemed. Mom had to work outside the home, cleaning wealthy peoples houses, most of her whole life to make ends meet. I think it may have embittered her in some ways. She was expecting more by coming to America. Her high hopes and expectations were never really met in the way she had hoped.
I always had that feeling of not belonging in my world, never being good enough, never having contentment and peace, probably because she never did. Kids don't usually live as we tell them, they tend to live as we live. My mom never meant it to be that way, she was just always in survival and improvement mode and required perfection from all of us because she herself had to work so hard to make it so. She came to know freedom from these things in her last years. Bless her to the moon and back for still being willing to grow as a child of God even then. Even in her last years of life when she lived with my husband and me, we would take her to church with us every Sunday. She would earnestly take notes during the sermon and sing every hymn until her dementia finally took over. Yet she still loved me reading to her every chance we got. I have a profound respect for her now. What a tower of strength she was, despite her faults and weaknesses. I get it now.